But there are a few things I want to tell you about things I love that I wish I didn't. There aren't many. I'm a pretty good "get over it" kind of girl in general. But there are a few things I wish I didn't like, and here are some:
1. Butter. Seriously? If I could get over that, a self-esteem-crushing weight issue would likely not be an issue at all. But I'm not really willing to let it go entirely, so there it is. And will continue to be.
2. Adam Sandler. I know. Low brow. Crass. Twisted. Mindless. But so funny. I don't even know if you need to hear how much I laughed at "Billy Madison" - but in my defense, it's been many, many years since I've seen it. But I'm sure I'd still laugh at that part where he's walking down the stairs and "I'll Tumble 4U" by Boy George comes on and he sort of dances to it. Ba-ba, ba-ba, da-da-da Da-da da Dee-da. Hee, hee. Other very funny lines are in my head right now ("Stop looking at me, Swan." "I want to go to Hike School." "Mister Madison. What you have just said is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even remotely close to anything resembling a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.") but I might corrupt some of you tender ones, so let's just leave it at this: Too bad I think inappropriate things are funny. Sometimes.
3. Frosting. Homemade. With butter. See #1. But I don't actually eat the cake, so is that maybe not so bad?
4. Justification. See above.
5. My stupid bathroom scale. I have this total dependency on it. I need to visit it regularly. Part of the issue here is that I'm stupid. Another part is that it isn't entirely reliable. I can step on, wait 10 seconds, see a number I don't particularly like, and get back on it 15 seconds later and see an entirely different number, sometimes as much as 2.5 pounds lower. I do adore that lower number, no matter how unpleasant it actually is, by virtue of it being LOWER. I'm a sicko. I know this.
6. Lists. I am a lister. I wish I didn't need to be. I need to feel accomplishment in my little world, so I make lists of every little thing I need to do, want to do, or may perhaps find time to do - just so I can cross things off and say "Hey, look. Your life is totally worthwhile." Oh, just imagine that someday, I could find my life worthwhile without seeing that little paper full of check-marks and scrubbed-out items. Someday. Someday. I'll put that goal on a list.
7. Criticism. Just the kind that comes from me. Somehow I am addicted to it - I must have it. I must find a way to use it. It is always in my head, so I must love it. And I hate that. I wish I wasn't a critical mom. But I am. I have (what I consider) fairly brilliant (but not genius) children. All four are pretty far above average, brain-wise. And do I let that be enough? Heck, no. You can do better. Try again. A little more. Bring it on. Hey, me? What if I could just say, "go, kid. Good work" more often. Good goal. Put it on a list. Then cross it off.
8. Sun Tanning. Okay, I don't actually hate to love this. I just feel guilty about how much I like it. Because, as I've said before (but I don't remember when, so I can't link to it), brown fat is prettier than white fat. Someday I'll hate it more, I'm sure. But for now, tan=healthy. Sorry, Cancer Society and sunblock manufacturers.