Thursday, May 7, 2009

More Body Image

Like any form of self-esteem, a positive body image cannot be given. No manner of nice things that people say to me are going to "make" me see myself any differently. Like any other version of self-esteem, a positive body image needs to be earned.

Here's where one facet of my problem lies.

I have convinced myself that I will deserve to feel good about me when I am XX pounds and size 8. (I almost wrote XX again, but I really, really don't want to be that size!) But I need to have a different goal. The final is nice, and I think even reachable if I give up all things tasty, but there has to be something more consistent. I need to be able to say to me, at least a few times a week, "Go, you. Good job. You may now feel good about yourself."

I say that when I do a good job exercising, but I have been woefully deficient in exercise consistency. So I need to retake control of that. I choose how I move during the day. If I want to feel good about me, I need to choose to move more than I don't.

I say that when I make good food choices (but more often when I avoid the bad ones). This is not my best talent. I am, in fact, really good at baking and cooking all things butter-based. Bread included, because, duh - who wants bread without butter? And I know this about me - I show my love, both inside my home and abroad, with white flour and sugar. And caramel. And more butter.

I say that when I fit into clothes I love. I say it when I surprise myself with a good hair day. I say it when I have a photo taken that looks better than reality. So I need to decide to do the things that will earn those words every day. Every day I should choose to earn some love for my own self. By walking more, being in the sun more, eating fresh crunchy things more...

I'm going outside now - see ya.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Learning to say NO

I'm sure I was good at it in some past part of my life. I don't know any two-year-old who can't say it. But I seem to be defective in the saying-no department these days. A couple years ago, I started down a path (a beautiful, tree-lined path) of saying no when I needed to. It was great. I felt just a tiny twinge of regret for the things I had to deny - just enough to remember why I would say yes when I did.

But then somehow I've slipped back into the yesses. I seem to always be eager to help, to go, to take, to make, to write, to deliver, to attend...

When did I become the YesMan again? Why do the words "it's my pleasure" always seem to accompany a lurch in my guts? It should be my pleasure. I like to do stuff. I like to be with people. I like to be thanked. Oh, there it is. I think I've just made a discovery mid-blog. I want someone to say thanks for the things I say yes to.

Will someone say it?

Don't count on it.

It could happen. I could be appreciated now and then. Or maybe the people who are asking for my help are so overwhelmed with their own responsibilities that they don't really remember that I'm there, doing this little thing I said yes about.

Once I heard someone say that before you commit to anything (ANYthing) you should say "Let me check my calendar. I'll get back with you." Then you have time to formulate your refusal, apparently. I need to write this down, tape it to each phone, tattoo it on my forehead (which comes in handy if I'm on the phone while looking in the mirror) and say it to myself like a mantra.

Let me check. I'll get back with you. I'm so sorry, I can't help you with that. Good luck.

Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen.

But it could, it could. Maybe.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Tutorial

Husband is watching / listening to a photo tools tutorial in the other room (the room where he can ask for spelling assistance without leaving his chair). I want a tutorial. The guy showing him around his new program is so gracious and polite. He even lets him know when the program is about to take over. Nobody ever warns me when someone is about to take over my life. His tutor-man also has a calming voice to tell him about regions of interest.

Are you with me?

I want to be shown regions of interest. Seriously.

He's also a validating voice of reason. He even says things like "isn't that great?" and "let's talk about..." and "If you'd care to look over at the window, you'll see..." I feel very respected by this voice from the other room.

I can think of several days in the past week or so that would have been better had I spent a little time with Mr. Tutor-man. He could have talked me down from a few temper-filled moments. I wonder if Husband would think me odd if I had Tutorials every morning, just for a few minutes...

Monday, May 4, 2009

Word Count

I'm close to 20,000 words on my new project. That's 20,000 out of 50,000. Can we all say "Nearly half way"? Yeah! Party time when I hit 25,000, sez I.

I shall bake something with much butter in.


Fragile

Life is feeling short. Isn't it weird how days can seem to last forever, sometimes even hours (see Star Wars: The Clone Wars), but then life as a whole appears so fragile.

My grandma is 92. She's precious. Lately, she's been more and more fuzzy around the edges - not remembering some grandkids (mine are still recognizable, so far) and wondering why she's out doing things.

I just got a call that my friend's husband is in the ICU with a blood clot in his brain. Ack. "They" say he's going to be fine, but hey, guess what. "They" dont' actually know that.

Days like this I just want to call all my friends and sibs and give them a little love, you know? I'm kind of shaky with the delicacy of it all. I've got to go hug my kids.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Mother's Day Talk

I get to give a 3-5 minute thingy at a Mother's Day fiesta next Saturday night. If you're planning to be there, skip this post.

Here's what I think I'm going to say.

When Moses was shepherding his father-in-law’s flocks, he saw a bush on fire, flaming but not being consumed. He found that a little strange. He said to himself, I’m going to take a minute and check this out. Because here’s something you don’t see every day. I wonder why the bush isn’t burnt?

Because he stopped and because he looked, the Lord spoke to Moses out of the bush. He called him by his name, because that’s what the Lord does, and he asked Moses to take off his shoes. “Put off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place whereon thou standest is holy ground.”

The poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning said: Earth's crammed with heaven,

And every common bush afire with God;

And only he who sees

takes off his shoes;

The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

How do I become the one who sees? Can I figure out when the presence of God is near, when I’m on Holy Ground, and remove my shoes? How can I find the divine in the drudgery?

When my kids were little, needy and demanding and helpless, I’m afraid my first reaction to a burning bush would be to toss a bucket of water on it. One more emergency to deal with. One more demand on my time and sanity.

When they were bigger, I think my reaction would be different. All right you people. Who has been playing with matches? You know the rules. You’re all busted.

Some days, don’t you feel too tired to care? After work and dinner and cleaning and dishes and homework and dentist appointments and practices and laundry and family night and concerts and presidency meetings and emergency room visits and games and meets and matches and scripture study, could you (like I could) look over your shoulder as you flop onto the couch and say, “Huh. That bush is on fire. Hope it doesn’t singe the furniture. Pass the remote.”

And when the kids are grown and gone, are there times we peek under beds and search out fingerprinty windows, desperate to regain a tiny portion of that sweet innocence, only to ignore the flaming bush in the middle of the room?

The Lord wants us to recognize the “great sight” in our path. He rewarded Moses for turning aside, seeking out the miracle. We will also be rewarded for seeking out the miracles.

There are plenty of barefoot moments in motherhood. Some of them are messy, some of them are funny; some are precious and sweet and sacred. All these moments testify that God is near.

Do you remember the first time you took your fussy baby out of church and walked the halls, muttering about why am I doing this? I’m getting nothing out of these meetings, and we’re disturbing everyone within a fifty-foot radius only to have that little person hang over your shoulder, lean behind you, point to a painting of the Savior and say “Jesus.” Remember that you didn’t even think that child knew that word? Remove thy shoes.

Remember the time you came downstairs because you heard someone crying? Grumble, grumble – these kids are always fighting. I’ll give them something to cry about. Here you come, ready to dispense justice, and find your youngest cradled in the arms of an older sibling who’s kissing away the hurt and coaxing a smile and a laugh from behind the tears. Take thy shoes from off thy feet.

Remember that one time – that one time – you got that note, that email, that text that said, “Thank you, Mom”? Remove thy shoes.

And watch them, as adults, choose each other as best friends. See them seeking out each others’ company. Listen to them laugh together, remembering the happy times that are buried somewhere in your memory, under piles of muddy shoes and broken dishes and dents in cars and angry words. The memories are there. Take thy shoes from off thy feet.

We can train our eyes to see the “bush afire with God” – to notice the things that could not be, without the influence of the Lord. If I want that gift, that ability, I only need to ask for it, to work for it. To write it down when I see it.

And when we stop, and remove our shoes from off our feet, we can hear the Lord call us by name and remind us that the place we stand is holy ground, the position we hold is ordained of God, the people we nurture are really His children.

Friday, May 1, 2009

May! And extra eyes

We made it once again to May. Not that you thought we'd get stuck in April, but you never know...

Okay - painful family moment last night. We were going to play a game with our kids (Catch Phrase, because everyone can do it) but Kid 4 really, really wanted everyone to experience the DVD he'd gotten from Netflix. Since we don't actually know how to deny that kid anything, most of us gathered around the couch in the basement for "Star Wars: The Clone Wars." (Interesting note: Kid 1 chose to barricade herself in her room with a book. She KNEW.)

Oh. How. Awful.

I stared at the timer on the VCR so many times that the force of my brainwaves almost made the clock run backward. Seriously? We're only 14 minutes into this? Still? I made it to 30 minutes (my goal) and then hopped on the elliptical for the next 30 (still in the room, but distracted by my own heart rate). The last bit I escaped upstairs for balancing the checkbook (see? that's how bad it was - I'd rather be doing math), coming back for the final minute or so of typical Star Wars ending: heroic shot of the winners, standing in front of some pretty background. Even Husband, a big childhood-Star-Wars guy, thinks he may have gotten dumber watching that show.

Mr. Lucas is the prime example of why you need a second pair of eyes on any project. I don't pretend to be any kind of Star Wars franchise pro, but I'll admit that the '80s movies were fine - and not just because I love Harrison (the early years). But the episodes I, II, III? Ouch. It's like watching a muppet movie without the clever dialog, and no fun music. Since Mr. Lucas owns all control over the franchise, he's filthy rich. Good for him. But it also means nobody else gets a say in the project (like, please, please don't really put that Jar-Jar guy in these films, or yes, we love Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson, but could we please give them some intelligent dialog so we can hear those gorgeous accents?).

When I write, I crave second eyes. Partly because some piece of my bizarre (I was going to say "perverse," but I don't want you to mistake that for "perverted") sense of humor might leak into the story and give some reader the wrong idea. Partly because I need to know where, specifically, readers are only reading words on a page - as opposed to reading my mind. Partly (I'm a big girl, I can admit this) because I like to hear people laugh when they read my stuff, and I like to hear them tell me it's good. But mostly because extra eyes can add weight to the judgement that this project is worthwhile. These characters are likeable. This plot is interesting, or important, or fun.

So, the point: Get someone to read everything. Lots of someones. Trust some feedback (but ignore your aunt who adores you and the sister who picks you apart too brutally) - especially the consensus parts (everyone hates my Jack the Ripper musical? Really? Everyone? Hmm. Maybe I should rethink that).

More eyes beat your eyes. Hey - I should market that.

Or not.

Just have people read your stuff, agreed?